tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56378861282495898722023-06-20T05:34:14.891-07:00Oh, I Meant to Tell You...William Kecklerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09492547054986452311noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5637886128249589872.post-47778314211870219852010-11-19T20:12:00.000-08:002010-11-20T00:09:41.166-08:00Dearest,Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br /><br />Hello.<br /><br /><br />I have returned from my Latest Tragedy.<br /><br /><br />Shall we resume our badinage?<br /><br /> <br /><br /><br />Regards,<br /><br />Philip.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Hello back.<br /><br /><br />Someone died.<br /><br /><br />This keeps me surprisingly busy.<br /><br /><br />Our correspondence may suffer as a result.<br /><br /><br />Kisses,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Can you be more specific?<br /><br />About death?<br /><br /><br />Regards,<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />No.<br /><br /><br />Death is specific.<br /><br /><br />I am not.<br /><br /><br />A Toi,<br /><br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Should I be afraid for you?<br /><br /><br />Should I pace?<br /><br /><br />Uncertainly,<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br /><br />A cousin is pacing for me.<br /><br />Two cousins some of the time.<br /><br />They seem to have perfected the art form.<br /><br />They both studied it at that Academy of Pacing.<br /><br />Founded by that bilious old queen.<br /><br />It's known to produce the best mourning pacers in the country.<br /><br />So I shouldn't step to.<br /><br />If I were you.<br /><br />They are a wonder to watch.<br /><br />They dress up just for the occasion.<br /><br />They pace wondrously.<br /><br />Take no umbrage but...<br /><br />Your pacing would suffer.<br /><br />By comparision, I mean.<br /><br /><br /><br />You could offer something else, I suppose.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />So Bored,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I am the offering type.<br /><br />But how can i fail to notice that you are avoiding mention.<br /><br />Of the <em>je ne sais quoi.</em><br /><br /><br />Stirred,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Verbum sap.<br /><br />The <em>je ne sais quoi</em> nearly killed me.<br /><br />So you will pardon me if I do not mention it again anytime soon.<br /><br />How are your pards?<br /><br /><br />Jaded in the Hedges,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />The pards are fine.<br /><br /><br />I have hired someone to exercise them.<br /><br /><br />He sets up off the mountain with them every morning.<br /><br /><br />While the fog lies thick about.<br /><br /><br />He is a young German author. <br /><br /><br />He writes poetry. Sometimes other hindrances like novels.<br /><br /><br />Fancy an assignation?<br /><br /><br />The fog around here is looking particularly ripe for a non-vanilla assignation.<br /><br /><br />Distractedly,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Need I remind you what happened the last time I agreed to meet you in a fog?<br /><br /><br />Don't play dumb.<br /><br /><br />Uh huh,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I should have known not to mix moors and fog.<br /><br />You surely don't blame me for the disorientation and the loss of those several days?<br /><br /><br />Guardedly,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Well, walking 126 miles in the wrong direction in a single afternoon is something we shall both remember.<br /><br />It's a good thing we stumbled upon that abbey.<br /><br />Even though there was the vampire incident.<br /><br />Fog. And vampires. Who woulda thunk, huh?<br /><br />Sometimes we can be such idiots.<br /><br />The vampire was vanilla though.<br /><br />I expected better.<br /><br /><br />Whatever,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I seem to recall at the time you were amused by the "vampire incident."<br /><br />Did you receive the hartshorn I sent?<br /><br />And the memento mori woven in hair?<br /><br /><br />I cut the hair of the young German poet.<br /><br /><br />He wrote a poem about me cutting his hair.<br /><br /><br />It was horrid, but I sent it to the Kappelmeister.<br /><br /><br />One horrid artist deserves another.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Still Grieved,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />What is it?<br /><br />I keep looking at it and can't make it out.<br /><br />Some sort of sportiveness in the center of the hair wreath?<br /><br />About artists: agreed!<br /><br />The only use for two moldy slices of bread is to make toast.<br /><br /><br /><br />???<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />That's an allegorical scene!<br /><br />It's meant to be <em>The Albatross of Grief Placed around the Neck of the Jollity of Indiscretion.</em><br /><br />I thought you would recognize the tableau.<br /><br />We stood before that picture a very long time once.<br /><br />In the Museum of Not Quite Sure Artists.<br /><br />You loved the MNQSA once.<br /><br />Have you changed?<br /><br /><br />Crepitatively,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Oh, the <em>Not Quite</em>.<br /><br />I haven't been there in donkey years.<br /><br />I hear they are having a retrospective of their janitor's works.<br /><br />You should go.<br /><br /><br />Abed,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br /><em>I</em> should go.<br /><br /><br />Or <em>we</em> should go?<br /><br /><br />I will suffer pointedly until I hear your response.<br /><br /><br />Pointedly,<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />You should go.<br /><br /><br />Warmly,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I am racked.<br /><br />Why?<br /><br />Would you use <em>you</em> instead of <em>we?</em><br /><br />For the love of God and the Muses...<br /><br />Why?<br /><br /><br />Confutatis,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Because it's the second person singular.<br /><br />You.<br /><br />Should go to the <em>Not Quite Sure</em>.<br /><br /><br />Horridly,<br /><br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Are you wallowing again?<br /><br />You turn spiteful when you wallow.<br /><br />I live with a wallower (the German poet) so I believe I recognize the signs.<br /><br /><br />The pards whelped.<br /><br /><br />Would a pardlet cheer you up?<br /><br /><br />Your Liege,<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />I have been swallowing and wallowing.<br /><br />The swallows arrived last night.<br /><br />And cousin Frederick and I decided to follow them.<br /><br />They led us horribly astray.<br /><br />These swallows are apparently drawn to death and destruction.<br /><br />It was worse than that Pilgrimage I went on last year.<br /><br />The one that ended in the death of the Heathmaster.<br /><br />Now who tends to the heath?<br /><br />Absolutely no one.<br /><br />The heath is horrid.<br /><br />The heath suffers horribly.<br /><br /><br />Your Heathen,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br />P.S. I should like a pard. Send the most ferocious of the tiny lot.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Why don't you play that game to cheer you up?<br /><br /><br />The one where you blindfold a servant and then you all leave him or her in the fogs on the Moors.<br /><br /><br />The several weeks until the creatures finds its way home are usually rife with merriment.<br /><br /><br />Playfully,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />We did play that game. <br /><br />Last month.<br /><br />Nobody has seen Jacinda.<br /><br />Although several wayfarers have heard her.<br /><br />Calling.<br /><br />She is poised to become a legend.<br /><br />And I?<br /><br />What shall become of me?<br /><br />Don't answer that.<br /><br /><br />Harried,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I sent you a new mirror for your Observatory.<br /><br />It should arrive by Friday.<br /><br />When you look at the winged creatures that fly about in the flames of Venus, Think of Me.<br /><br /><br />Hopefully,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Oh, I love watching those winged creatures on Venus.<br /><br /><br />I did some drawings of them the other day.<br /><br /><br />They are mostly winged monkeys in fezzes.<br /><br /><br />I'd give anything to have one as a pet.<br /><br /><br />I will appreciate the mirror.<br /><br /><br />I know how much polishing it takes.<br /><br /><br />To make a mirror like that.<br /><br /><br />Sometimes I think my life is an Observatory mirror.<br /><br /><br />Tell the German poet to put that in a poem.<br /><br /><br />And then burn it.<br /><br /><br />Schwarmereily,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />The German poet is a misery.<br /><br />Of course, he's consumptive, as all poets.<br /><br />But he insists on bringing the fog into the chateau.<br /><br />He has invented a device which gathers it up though some strange suction.<br /><br />He built it with parts I had lying around in Monsieur Mercure's lab.<br /><br />You know, the Enlightenment guy?<br /><br />So he has this horrible Fog Machine and he turns it on in his bedchamber and begins writing poetry.<br /><br />He writes in a fogged state and his poetry seems befogged.<br /><br />But he loves it.<br /><br />Its a new Period for him or something.<br /><br />You know poets.<br /><br />They are like garden hoses.<br /><br />Always lying about and always dribbling something.<br /><br />Oh, I made a bon mot.<br /><br />And bon mots lead to the guillotine.<br /><br />So I had best close.<br /><br /><br />Bisou bisou,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br /><br />Can I borrow the young German poet.<br /><br /><br />And his Fog Machine.<br /><br /><br />I have a dreadful Aunt coming to nest here.<br /><br /><br />She's my Aunt but I refer to her as my cormorant.<br /><br /><br />My Cormoraunt.<br /><br /><br />She suffers horribly in fog, so I'm hoping to place the German poet in the bedchamber next to hers.<br /><br /><br />But he must keep quiet about his invention.<br /><br /><br />Designedly,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />The German poet is on his way.<br /><br /><br />He's Swabian, actually.<br /><br /><br />So forewarned is forearmed.<br /><br /><br />Hugs,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Oh God, Swabian?<br /><br />Really?<br /><br />It just gets better and better.<br /><br /><br />Doom-Scented,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />I realize I am writing out of turn.<br /><br />But I have decided to no longer be completely indifferent to you.<br /><br />And I wanted you to be the first to know.<br /><br />I decided Thursday.<br /><br /><br />Decidedly,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dearest Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I felt your indifference melt.<br /><br />I was walking on the heath and I suddenly said to myself, "She is no longer indifferent."<br /><br />I swear.<br /><br />Be warned.<br /><br />I have designs on your Not-Indifference.<br /><br /><br />Optimistically,<br /><br />Phil<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dearest Philip,<br /><br /><br />Please do not ever refer to yourself as "Phil" again.<br /><br />Verbum mofo sap.<br /><br />We are in deal-breaker territory.<br /><br />With "Phil."<br /><br /><br />Minatorily,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Will the fact that I am gay present any difficulties?<br /><br /><br />Just wondering,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />None at all.<br /><br /><br />Kisses,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I mean <em>flaming</em>.<br /><br /><br />Just doublechecking,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />They call you "The Conflagration" around here.<br /><br />Does that answer your question.<br /><br />I'm still writing you, aren't I?<br /><br /><br />Love,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Will we share men?<br /><br />Is that how it works?<br /><br /><br />Wondering,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />I hope you are at least good at home repairs.<br /><br />Because that can come in use when one has 342 rooms.<br /><br />Wait, 343.<br /><br />Somebody felt the need to add a Viperarium last week.<br /><br />I'm saying I hope you are good at home repairs.<br /><br />Because you seem to have a great deal of trouble with the Obvious.<br /><br />I studied the Obvious at Miss Mannersham's Academy.<br /><br />I took several certificates in the Obvious.<br /><br />So if opposites attract.<br /><br />We should be fine.<br /><br /><br />Yadda yadda,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I just realized I have no visible means of support.<br /><br />And yet I am still exceedingly wealthy.<br /><br />Should I be worried?<br /><br /><br />Seeking Counsel,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />No, that's not a problem.<br /><br />The same state of affairs here.<br /><br />We have no idea where the money comes from.<br /><br />It just appears.<br /><br />I think the Dead left instructions.<br /><br />And the money just keeps moving according to their plans.<br /><br />People we never met.<br /><br />I suppose we should thank them.<br /><br />But I have no idea who the fuck they are.<br /><br />I know the sparrows in the garden better.<br /><br />Life is strange.<br /><br /><br />A Bit Tetched,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I have decided to build a Natatorium on the Moors.<br /><br />Out in the middle of nowhere.<br /><br />I saw some handsome young men out there chasing each other about and they had nothing to do.<br /><br />So I thought: swimming pool!<br /><br />The constant rain should keep it amply supplied.<br /><br />Are you in?<br /><br /><br />Entrepreneurally,<br /><br />Phil<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Phil,<br /><br /><br />When I said gay was okay, I didn't mean swimming pool gay.<br /><br />I meant more just flounces. Funny fabric choices. <br /><br />And men in our bed.<br /><br />A swimming pool is a big step.<br /><br />That involves general contractors.<br /><br />If we involve general contractors there may be erotic slippage.<br /><br />There is usually erotic slippage around general contractors.<br /><br />Are you prepared?<br /><br /><br />Scientifically,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I am willing to take the risk.<br /><br />A gay man without a swimming pool is like a parrot without an idiot staring at it.<br /><br />Let us treat our parrot to an idiot.<br /><br /><br />Beamishly,<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dearest Philip,<br /><br /><br />We should get married shortly.<br /><br />Your Swabian poet has vanished and is presumed perished.<br /><br />One of his pards returned to the Estate, carrying a poem in its mouth.<br /><br />I suppose this is good news for his posterity.<br /><br />A poet's work is immeasurably improved by his vanishing, don't you find?<br /><br />I looked at some of the poems I hated, and already thought them a little improved.<br /><br />Some of the adverbs seemed to sparkle a little.<br /><br />My Condolences.<br /><br />I think it was my pardlet that devoured him.<br /><br />It grew so quickly!<br /><br />I've named it Overweening.<br /><br />I want him in our wedding.<br /><br />Contumacia is desiging costumes for all the pards.<br /><br />It should be a lovely affair.<br /><br />Whatever will you wear?<br /><br /><br />In Anticipation,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I have had my dead father exhumed and his graveclothes removed.<br /><br />I must wear his gravesuit to our wedding.<br /><br />It has to do with a sacred vow I made to him.<br /><br />He was certain I would never marry.<br /><br />I suppose he thought the "gay thing" was an insurmountable impediment.<br /><br />He said, "If you ever marry, did me up, take the clothes off my back, wear them to your wedding, and throw me back in my grave bare-ass naked."<br /><br />And I promised I would.<br /><br />And I did. Just now.<br /><br />Don't worry, I'm getting the garments dry-cleaned.<br /><br />And we are the exact same size.<br /><br />I found he had squirreled some pelf away in his jacket too.<br /><br />Vulture did take it with him.<br /><br />For a while anyway.<br /><br /><br />Sniggeringly,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />The one minister was getting squirrelly so I had him Burked and Hared.<br /><br />Plans continue for the Great Day.<br /><br />We should marry in St. Harridan's, I believe.<br /><br />St. Harridan's has the most incredible stained glass windows: the largest features <em>Judas Iscariot's Shopping Spree.</em><br /><br />Of course, it will be another foggy day, so I hired a bunch of young louts to be hoisted up and hold flambeaux to the stained glass.<br /><br />So the colors of the Iscariot window should fall beautifully on our entire wedding party.<br /><br />Exictedly,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br />Dearest Miranda,<br /><br /><br />How many of my male lovers would it be prudent to invite to our wedding?<br /><br />I'm thinking somewhere between fourteen to twenty, but I don't have a definite number in mind.<br /><br /><br />Please advise.<br /><br /><br />Matrimonially,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />The wedding is off.<br /><br />I am marrying Sir Jameson Japes, the noted Astronomer.<br /><br />Astrologist.<br /><br />Astronomer.<br /><br />Sorry. I get these things confused. Wait a moment.<br /><br />I just checked.<br /><br />He's definitely an astronomer.<br /><br />Do you want to come?<br /><br />We need someone to handle the pards.<br /><br /><br />Excitedly,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br />I am heartbroken but happy for you.<br /><br />Isn't he eighty something?<br /><br />I always knew you would marry a gay man, an octogenarian or an octogenarian gay man.<br /><br />I just thought it would be me.<br /><br /><br />Lost,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dearest Philip,<br /><br /><br />We will continue our correspondence, which is the Main Thing.<br /><br />Agreed?<br /><br />Why let little things like matrimony or a shared bed or sexual congress interfere with the really important thing, which is Conversation.<br /><br />My future husband doesn't talk.<br /><br />He looks at stars and draws diagrams.<br /><br />He's deliciously insane.<br /><br />He doesn't even believe there are winged creatures in the flames of Venus.<br /><br />Because his eyes are so poor.<br /><br />Yesterday, I had to show him where his right hand was.<br /><br />The poor dear had misplaced it.<br /><br /><br />Tee hee,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I trust you won't think this is the result of pique or dudgeon at your having dumped me.<br /><br />But you will notice I had the Observatory moved off your property in the night.<br /><br />It took a cadre of forty Swedes and thirty Poles and a team of engineers.<br /><br />I slept with half of everyone.<br /><br />I am not well.<br /><br /><br />Dispiritedly,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Why do you languish?<br /><br /><br />Gay languishing is an oxymoron.<br /><br /><br />Nature detests an oxymoron.<br /><br /><br />I think that's a scientific principle.<br /><br /><br />Keep the Observatory. Indian giver.<br /><br /><br />You would have made a horrible gay husband.<br /><br /><br />Poo poo on you,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />I note you did not respond to my last epistle.<br /><br />Shall we go to war then?<br /><br />And where are my pards?<br /><br />The pard tender said they vanished in the night Thursday.<br /><br />They didn't all just "run off" either.<br /><br />I suppose I have been Indian gifted again?<br /><br />You would have made a terrible gay husband.<br /><br />Horrible.<br /><br />Abominable<br /><br />Terrible.<br /><br /><br />Miffed,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />I am marrying the Duchess of Orgones.<br /><br />So you will please excuse me if our correspondence suffers.<br /><br />For a few years.<br /><br /><br />Warmly,<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />STOP IT.<br /><br />You are not marrying the Duchess of Orgones.<br /><br /><br />You know very well she is already married to a different gay man.<br /><br /><br />And you would never suffer yourself to live in her ghastly design scenarios.<br /><br /><br />The woman marbleizes, for Pluto's sake!<br /><br /><br />She would marbleize the Venus de Milo if she could get her grubby fat paws on it.<br /><br /><br />This is ridiculous. This contretemps.<br /><br /><br />Snap out of it!<br /><br /><br />Love ya,<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Why is it that terrorists always get offended at counter-terrorism?<br /><br /><br />Just wondering,<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Sashay. Sashay.<br />You're so gay.<br />Not just today.<br />But everyday.<br />Since the dawn<br />of time. <br />You're so gay<br />your gayness<br />would have <br />turned all the <br />dinosaurs homo<br />and caused<br />a massive <br />extinction event.<br /><br /><br />Philip is a queerbo crybaby sissypants who's jealous of an 88 year old astrologist. Astronomer! Whatever.<br /><br />Grow up!<br /><br />Mir<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Mere-anda,<br /><br /><br />The Duchess of Orgones and I enjoyed a lovely walk through the fog today.<br /><br />We walked our pards all the way to Shuffleoff Bluff.<br /><br />We could see your winter palace from there.<br /><br />The Duchess said it's looking horribly decrepit.<br /><br />And then she made a simile which I shan't repeat.<br /><br />But which you might intuit.<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />That Orgones bitch started the syphilis epidemic four seasons back.<br /><br />Everybody knows that.<br /><br />I hope you have a good mercury enema kit near you at all times.<br /><br />I mean, if you are stupid enough to eat where you bank.<br /><br />I want the pards back.<br /><br />I will take you to Court for custody if I don't have at least two pards in time for my Wedding to the Astrologer. Astronomer!<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br />Dearest Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Two of the pards fell ill with the dropsy and perished.<br /><br />That leaves me only seven pards and I have already signed them over to the Duchess.<br /><br />So any legal battles will be with Her.<br /><br />I wouldn't if I were you.<br /><br />She's richer than Crassus and has more lawyers than you have moods.<br /><br />And the pards sleep in her bed.<br /><br />They are lovely and photogenic creatures.<br /><br />They have no interest in removing anywhere.<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />My husband is dead.<br /><br />We were married at 4 o'clock in the morning (due to his exigent health).<br /><br />And two hours later we were divorced by God.<br /><br />I have inherited several noted Observatories, one strange university and dozens of scholars.<br /><br />Do you have any interest in dating scientists?<br /><br />If so, please come hither.<br /><br />Or we could talk about a rapprochement.<br /><br />If the stench of Orgones could be washed from your body.<br /><br /><br /><br />TO: MIRANDA _________, COUNTESS OF MORBES<br /><br /><br />THIS IS THE DUCHESS OF ORGONES WRITING YOU. STOP.<br /><br />IT IS NOT PROPER FOR YOU TO BE WRITING MY GAY HUSBAND. STOP<br /><br />I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE CONTEMPLATING LEGAL ACTION CONCERNING MY PARDS. STOP<br /><br />I WOULD ADVISE OTHERWISE. STOP<br /><br />I WILL DEVOUR YOU AND YOUR ESTATE AND THE ONLY MEMORY OF YOU IN THIS COUNTRY WILL BE OF YOUR FOLLY IN STEPPING TO THE DUCHESS OF ORGONES. STOP<br /><br />YOU WILL EXIST AS ALLEGORY ONLY. STOP<br /><br />I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU. STOP<br /><br /><br />D.O.O<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Not funny.<br /><br />You're really being an asshole.<br /><br />I mean a wiiiiide asshole.<br /><br /><br />Mir<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />Hehe.<br /><br />Were you afraid?<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />No.<br /><br />I sniffed the telegram.<br /><br />It didn't have her stench on it as it would have had she laid one finger on it.<br /><br />So I knew it was you.<br /><br /><br />Mir<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Mir,<br /><br /><br />So is the astrologer really dead?<br /><br />Astronomer. Whatever.<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />Deader than last year's fashions.<br /><br />I had him mummified.<br /><br />You know, like Jeremy Bentham.<br /><br />He does sit at our dining room table.<br /><br />The scientists I inherited like to argue with his corpse while they are eating soup.<br /><br />I feed them only soup.<br /><br />Mostly turtle soup.<br /><br />Several of them are rather hot.<br /><br />If you can get past the equations twaddle.<br /><br />Come visit.<br /><br />If the Duchess can spare you.<br /><br />A little arsenic can go a long way towards fixing a marriage.<br /><br />Trust me, I know.<br /><br />Mir<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />But I could never even kill a butterfly.<br /><br />In that Butterfly Killing class I took as a child.<br /><br />A handsome young classmate killed all my butterflies.<br /><br />I paid him in pleasant ways.<br /><br />It was butterflies turned me to whoring.<br /><br />Butterflies are my Tragedy.<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />You are such a girl.<br /><br />My inheritance of young scientists are busy building all sorts of strange things.<br /><br />I gave them a few more laboratories.<br /><br />They reanimate the dead. They make flowers that never existed before. They turn straight people gay. <br /><br />They could turn you straight. I bet.<br /><br />Mir<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br />That's not funny.<br /><br />Take it back.<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br />But they could.<br /><br />Wouldn't it be wonderful.<br /><br />You and me.<br /><br />Ungay together.<br /><br /><br />Mir<br /><br /><br /><br />Miranda,<br /><br />You're creeping me out.<br /><br />I don't like you that way, Miranda.<br /><br />I only want to be your gay husband.<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br />Fine.<br /><br />Is the Duchess O. dead yet?<br /><br />I despatched a scientist who would pretend to cure her lumbago.<br /><br />I want those pards to come with you when you come too.<br /><br />No joke.<br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />The Duchess of Orgones is my mother.<br /><br />I forgot to tell you that.<br /><br />And you just killed her.<br /><br />You just killed my mother.<br /><br />This puts a crimp in our future plans.<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dearest Philip,<br /><br /><br />I am so sorry!<br /><br />I should have known you would have married your Mother, eventually.<br /><br />And I'm sorry about the jabs and jibes I made against her.<br /><br />She was a lovely creature.<br /><br />Oh fuck.<br /><br />I always suspected I was doomed to a life alone.<br /><br />You're not coming now, are you?<br /><br />Now or ever.<br /><br />Are you?<br /><br />M.<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br /><br />No.<br /><br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />I'm sorry I killed your mother.<br /><br />I could have these scientists reanimate her.<br /><br />She would be only a little bit homicidal.<br /><br />Mir<br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br />Thanks for the offer.<br /><br />But I prefer to remember Mummy as non-homicidal.<br /><br />I am going away for a while.<br /><br />I may come back someday.<br /><br />Philip<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br /><br />I will miss you.<br /><br />I suppose there's no chance you'll see fit to let the pards...<br /><br />Mir<br /><br /><br />Dear Miranda,<br /><br />No.<br /><br />I drowned them all<br /><br />In Queerbury Tarn.<br /><br />Where we met.<br /><br />They made a horrible sound.<br /><br />I wept.<br /><br />Goodbye, Miranda.<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Philip,<br /><br />Goodbye.<br /><br />Forgive me.<br /><br />Forgive yourself.<br /><br />The pards are in heaven.<br /><br />And I think we will see each other there.<br /><br />All of us.<br /><br />We will all be reunited.<br /><br />Like in that song.<br /><br />Reunited.<br /><br /><br />Miranda<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />HERE ENDS THE CORRESPONDENCEWilliam Kecklerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09492547054986452311noreply@blogger.com0